To whom that I meet:
As a child, I was taught to keep all emotions to myself. Along with the tragic social standards of masculinity, I grew up fast in my profession. I put a tie on at a very young age and forced myself to associate with those that could “get me somewhere.” I stood as tall as a 5’7″ noble teenager could and stayed away from situations that could bring me down. I learned to smile in the harshest of times and kept my mouth shut. Finally, growing up in a city of fractured dreams forced me to stand strong.
It is hard for me to express emotion now, but I try my best to exaggerate my features as much as possible. Relationships don’t last long, as I’ve been hurt many times in the past. I’m constantly fighting a bipolar war between fear of commitment and loneliness. Because of this, people often perceive me as a shallow, conceded and uninterested individual, but if we have talked, you know that I am far from that. Instead, I am a fairly shy, yet complex guy with a modest self-esteem.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned to open up. I’ve been shot down a few times already and I’ve been a bit bitter to those that do not deserve it. I have, however, apologized and learned from my mistakes. In turn, my friends in Boston have treated me well. My friend and I traveled down to New York for the holiday weekend. We found two couches in an apartment on the Upper West Side to sleep on and set foot on almost every street in Manhattan. We met up with new friends from Emerson, but spent most of our time just appreciating the time off. I lost a bit of hope in a lovely lady, but gained some sort of hope in love. I also admitted my greatest fear of loneliness for the first time.
We talked a bit about where we will end up after college. It is quite frightening to think that I’ve found some incredible friends and might end up getting seperated, yet again, after three years. I really hope that we all end up together in the end, but I’m just trying my best to live in the moment. For now, going to New York was possibly the most cathartic experience that I’ve set out on. Overall, I genuinely, truthfully, honestly feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have met everyone that I have. Open up to me and I’ll open up to you.
P.S. I was informed by an old friend that my Making The Album video of Jack’s Mannequin’s “The Glass Passenger” is featured on the deluxe release of the album. I was credited as “Matthew Taylor Ruggieri of The Media Collective” on the album itself. How awesome!
October 13, 2008